The new norm…

We have had SO many reach out for a recent update on Magnolia and I… and SO much love given to us, so we figured a quick update would be a great idea😊

After 10 long weeks in the hospital and the best case scenerio for Magnolia’s delivery, we evacuated the molar AND have a healthy baby GIRL (yes, I am no longer only a boy-mom!!!). For only being 34 weeks, Maggie only had a 6-day precautionary hospital stay (which she absolutley flew through with no issue at all). The lump that was pushing on her eye turned out to only be a clog, just like we figured. Once her little valve opened, it drained and she was even more beautiful than ever💕

We are both home now, safe and sound! Learning to juggle 4 kiddos – two under two! Little titus (age 1.5) is suffering a little bit of separation anxiety. He is a strong boy though, and will get better:). Baby Magnolia is still in the 4lb range so the post partum anxiety has hit me hard… and daddy is awake most of the night anxious about her, as well as night terrors about my health (😊 he is learning to cope, lol) He went through a very stressful time and his mind is still adapting. We love him for handling it so well!

Lastly, today was my first follow up in Milwaukee. We learned that the pathologist did indeed officially label it a twin molar pregnancy based off of the microscope results of the mass. Now it is our job to monitor my HCG levels every week. If they do not go to negative, I will begin Chemo to cure the cancer side. If they DO go to negative and stay there, that would mean I did not develope cancer from the molar! Today was my first blood draw to begin testing. While we pray fervently for no cancer… we are just so graciously happy to all be home again together. It is so hard to even fathom complaining ever again. I am so thankful for everything I have and even for all we have been through this year. It all truly is a blessing and brought so many great things… God surely knows what He is doing. While Chemo and any other treatments needed would be another hurdle, it too, will somehow be a blessing. This I know.

Thank you again for all of the LOVE and especially the prayers! I don’t know for sure when we will know my final update will be. But I promise to not forget to share😊

We love you all❤

Advertisements

Miracle – Magnolia’s birth

Bare with me as I write this. I am on some pretty good pain meds, and a bit exhausted😉)

After 10 long weeks in this hospital room, it was finally the day we have been waiting for. Wednesday, Nov 14th – the birth of our miracle baby. Also the day many Drs anticipated would not arrive for us.

The OR was filled with nurses, Specialists, more Drs than I could count, students, journalists & pathologists. I was able to be awake during delivery, under the knowledge that in the case of “resuscitation”, I would be put to sleep. After about 10 or 15 minutes we heard the sweet squeal of our miracle baby.. (A GIRL! I NEVER give birth to girls!). My Dr said she will be a surgeon. She grabbed his knife on the way out😄. She is beautiful… strong… and content. Magnolia Rose Buelow. (More on her in a minute)

Then it was game time to evacuate the molar. To make a long story short, THAT went so well. It was delivered without complications OR too much bleeding!! (In fact, my dr said it was BIGGER than Magnolia was! And she also mentioned that I actually lost more blood during one of my ‘bleeding episodes’ during pregnancy than I did during surgery!) Another 3 odds beat within an hour’s time!)

There were 2 very scary moments however. I am going to share what it was because it is crucial to point out that it was yet another (what I would consider) miracle. At some point during delivery I had an amniotic fluid embolism. This is when the amniotic fluid somehow enters your system and can also enter your lungs. It is deadly. Which is exactly what I felt. My body tanked and I could feel every bit of it, as if my body was shutting down. I couldn’t even get words to come out to explain how I felt at the time. Today my anesthesiologist explained to me how fatal that is. And how fast my body corrected itself not once but TWICE during delivery. This is incredible to me. I know who was in that room with me, and I don’t mean just my Drs😉

Now, here we are… my sweet baby Magnolia and I, healthy and happy! Magnolia has a small lump near her eye (you may have seen it in her pictures). We believe it is just that her tear valve has not opened yet, but we are waiting to see:). Since it was an abnormal pregnancy, her Drs. would like to look via ultra sound to see if it is just fluid or an actual mass. (I am not worried! She is so blessed)

As for myself going forward… the pathologists have the molar in which they will examine and I will recieve results on that later. I will begin having my HCG hormone tested weekly. If they do not go down to 0, then we will talk chemo etc. In the mean time though… Magnolia and mama should BOTH be home sweet and sound by Monday!

While I plan to keep this blog updated on post partum details concerning magnolia’s health and mine related to the molar – I wanted to take my last sentances right now to TRY to express how thankful my entire family is for your love, support and most of all, your prayers. I know sometimes we don’t always get the answers or SEE the answers we want right away. I can tell you, there is not a doubt in my mind to the power of prayer. I needed every single one of your prayers, and they were not unanswered.

I ask that every one of you smile a bit more, and embrace everything you have. It truly is a blessing

We love every single one of you.

7 days…

We only have 7 days left of wonder and anticipation. On Wednesday November 14th (God willing, nothing happens between now and then), we will be delivering our sweet fighter at 34 weeks, and the evacuation of the molar will take place!

We have been busy the last couple days and will be for the next week preparing for it. I wanted to write in here today though, for a prayer request. I sat down with anesthesia yesterday who walked me through step by step what Wednesday’s surgery will look like. I wont go into details for the sake of writing it all out, but I left that conversation so anxious that my head throbbed all night. I have been through 3 c-sections, I personally enjoy them. But this time, there is just so much unknown, and so much that can go wrong, it was a bit overwhelming.

This morning I wrote out 10 of my most comforting passages, and just sort of meditated on them. (And prayed…a lot). I am feeling a bit better. Can I ask for your prayers though, throughout the next week??

– I ask for prayers that baby is delivered safely and is healthy and strong!

– I also ask for prayers for PEACE and comfort in our hearts (for a sound mind), and for a smooth opperation and delivery.

Although the unknown is scary… what I am trying to remember, is that He has commanded me to be strong and corageous. To not be terrified, to not be discouraged. For the Lord my God will be with me wherever I go. (I hope you all remember this, this week as well. Whatever it is you are going through, or anxious about) 🌹

2 week countdown…

It’s funny how it is so easy to fall into the words “if I could just have _____, all would be wonderful then.” I said these very words about 4 weeks ago in the hospital. “If I could just stop bleeding and feel better, then I could just sit out the rest of this hospital stay and be totally fine”. But I DID stop bleeding…. for FOUR WEEKS now. And how do I find myself feeling now… I find me sitting, staring at the walls, imagining myself like ‘Susan’ who is home with her children and husband, haveing a nice meal together. Not eating a hospital tray in the dark in complete silence. *depressing*

Jeepers. We are never content😉 But I learned to knock it off! I had to make a list of everything I am so grateful for… and then I began watching Christmas movies (2 weeks ago), because they bring me joy😄. I know so many moments and opportunities since this diagnoses and since this hospital stay began that never would have happened had I been a healthy humbug at home, safe with my family. It’s part of what makes up the unique load I have been assigned. Ultimatley, that’s why God tells us to just concentrate on carrying our own loads, and avoid comparing and striving for someone elses load. – thier loads are not equipped for us – it’s for our protection.

The #1 blessing, taking up the #1 spot on that list… is that we, as far as any monitor or scan can tell, have an unbelievably healthy baby. Do twin molar pregnancies carry risk for birth defects/issues? Yes. But as far as any monitor or scan can tell… we are not worried! Thank you LORD!!! That’s why mom’s follow faith’s walk into scary pregnancies and don’t terminate, right?? Dr’s can’t tell you with 100% certainty what YOUR turnout will be. And I pray you don’t let them😊

I am smiling as I write this. I should be feeling nervous… 2 weeks until delivery…. so many things could go wrong or unexpected, but I only feel excitement and contentment. So many odds have been beaten… and I can’t wait to see the rest..

That being said, we do have a prayer request💕

– That my body and baby’s body keep up for 2 more weeks so that we do not have to deliver ANY earlier than our planned 34 week delivery

– That I can be awake for surgery so that we do not miss the birth of our sweetie

– Pray for my Drs this week and next as they make final calls and preparations needed for surgery. There are many items they need to solidify and figure out for how the surgery process will look and go. Ask God to guide them in that?

– For a loss of anxiousness in Titus and I. There is a lot we have no say in… and that is a bit scary

We love and thank every single one of you for loving us so well, and praying fervently with us. We are way beyond blessed…

29 days left

It’s been 2 weeks without an update. But in this case, that is good news. Once again we are in awe at the mercy and grace showering us every day…

Today marks 30 weeks. Today also marks the final 4 week countdown ’till we get this show on the road (I am so confident we will make it to Nov 14th!). We are 2.5 weeks strong with no bleed-outs. That is a record… and that is shocking to both us and my Drs😎 This means that the days in this hospital room are long and uneventful. But boring is good news, right?? I keep needing to remind myself of that when I am finding it tough to get through.

In a couple of weeks we will begin getting into the nitty details… with the help of ultra sounds and tests to check size/placement of the mass and other details, we will figure out if I will be able to be awake for delivery and if daddy will miss the birth as well. Pray with us this is not the case….

We don’t fully know how baby will be health wise because of the molar, and I want to be awake and aware for every bit of every step. Going under could mean I miss sometimes up to 8 hours of baby’s 1st moments with us. This is what is currently weighing on our minds. While we continue to pray for these outcomes to be correct, we also know with full confidence we will be ok. No matter what, we will be ok. Pray, and release it😊

30 weeks… Just blows me away. We ALL fully intended on haveing a dramatic delivery by now. And here I am… feeling great all of a sudden. Mama’s with twin molars, or any difficult pregnancy, keep your faith strong and your hope high – NO Dr. Can predict the exact outcome no matter how close they think they are. Pray, and pray confidently. And then believe

So, in the meantime… I will remain inside these 4 walls for another 29 days. I will continue to pray, hope and eat as healthy and nutritious as possible because those are the only items I have control over right now.

My blooming flower, I can’t wait to hug you and keep you safe in my arms… soon❤

Beating so many odds

We started out at 16 weeks hearing that we probably wont make it to 20, then we probably wont make it to 23, then baby will probably be stunted in growth, then our 28 week was HOPEFULLY, mayyybe going to get here.

Well, here we ARE! OUR GRAND goal of 28 WEEKS! We. Made. IT! 28 weeks is when babys vital organs and necessities are FORMED (they just need to get stronger now!). My original Dr (before I had to transfer to a university hospital) called the hospital today to see how I was doing and if I was stable. She knew this 28 week goal was our ultimate milestone and to know she remembered and is still cheering me on from afar is so amazing. (I highly suggest Dr Ramsey at Woman’s Specialists in the fox Valley area!) It was because she believed in me and this sweet viable baby that I was never even attempted to be pushed into termination in the 1st place, aside from “that is safest for you”. She wasn’t afriad. She is our light.

This week also brings so many SMILES!

1st of all: I had ONE major bleeding episode this week. ONE!!!! That is insane…

2ndly: although my blood count is not growing back to normal, it isn’t going DOWN much either which means I haven’t heard any blood transfusion talk this week🎉 (probably due to me only bleeding ONE night!)

3rdly: Baby is an absolute fighter. Although I will hear about baby’s ultrasound growth results tomorrow, he/she has been an absolute over-achiever on the monitor! Doing accelerations that 32-weekers normally would do. This makes us SO happy, because no matter what, we will have an early delivery at 34 weeks at the latest… And we NEED baby to remain strong and mighty!💪  (Another ODD beat. Seeing as MOST molar pregnancy babys dont make it alive in utero past 20 weeks!! And this molar isn’t slowing down – Miracle baby!)

Awesome news! We had an updated meeting regaurding surgery. That is a bit nerve-wrecking to me. Only because we have so many things to look at – how to cut in without disturbing the tumor as much, how to minimize hemmorhaging, how will the oncologist view the molar, how will baby handle delivery, will I need a hysterectomy, can dad even be in with us and will I be put under?? So many obstacles and questions. But we are sure of one thing – We are not and never have been in control. How freeing it is to just let that be reality. It’s not up to us! So release it and be thankful😊

Within the next 24 hours I should have my thyroid results back. One thing molars can do is wreak havoc on your thyroid – we are praying that is going as great as this sweet child is.

And lastly, we are still fervently praying for the absence of cancer. This has been on my mind a lot lately. I wont truly know where that stands until after delivery… but my goodness, how badly I want our life to be normal again. How grateful I would be to be able to skip the chemo and treatments. At the same time – we are not in control! And this plan is a perfect one, I wouldn’t want any other!!

Praying like the pagans did.

I am not going to lie. This week, reflecting on last Sunday is a bit embarrassing for me. I woke up to a pool of blood that morning and then was rushed up to L&D and all that good stuff, (I mentioned it in my last post). But during that time I was so frustrated!! I was frustrated at my Drs for sending me to L&D, for giving me a bolus of magnesium, for making me sit in this labor and delivery room until 10pm with a magnesium-hangover and so much wonder. I was frustrated at my nurses on my “home floor” for even calling the dr when I bled (as if it was thier fault!), and I was frustrated at the BLEEDING! No matter what I do, the bleeding still happens. To the point where I would need blood transfusions. It just doesn’t stop and I got so frustrated! I even said outloud, “I can not do this for 2 months!!!!!”

I remember back around the 16 week mark when we first found out about this diagnosis, and that baby would “most likely” have defects, or pass before delivery, or pass during/right after delivery, or I could hemorrhage, and ALL of these uncontrollable things ‘could’ happen. How did I not stress myself out about all of that, but these small bumps in the road (like haveing to go to another room for a day) has me SO worked up?? The difference is, when we found out about all of this, we literally prayed about it and released it! It was no longer on our shoulders, but God’s. In fact we very plainly layed it all at the cross and kept walking, weightless.

I had to realize this last week, that since being here, I have not TRULY been doing that. I have been praying like the pagans!🤔… I need to bless it all and RELEASE IT. So I did. When we do that, He gives us that peace. When I did that, I smiled/joked through the next bleed. I have had a MUCH better week. In fact, I have gone a record 4 days of no “episodes”! I am back at peace…

Next week I am 28 weeks. That is our next mini-goal. If I can hold the bleeding until then… we can rejoice in another sigh of relief😊

My high risk team stops in each morning and celebrates another good day with me! And they remind me that even if it all turns sideways today, we are ready for you!

So I can stop being so frustrated. I have a hope that surpasses all understanding. I don’t need answers. God makes it very clear that we are to pray. Tell Him what is burdening our hearts, and give it to Him so that we can rest. I feel magnificent😊

Yesterday I saw my son AND went outside for the 1st time in two weeks. Today I attended art therapy. It was a sweet relief and a breath of fresh air. I am ready for whatever bumps lie ahead!

Again, I can not thank you all enough for the love and support that you are giving not only me, but even more, to my family. The hardest part about coming here was leaving an entire life that was built on two parents, all put on my husband’s shoulders. Him and our children have been so loved and supported, I get teary eyed every time I even think about it. I have no words to express my heart to you! Thank you…

Here is to hopefully, an uneventful week!